I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
