It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
