Dude my mom stole all your condoms
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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