Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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