oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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