He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
