Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Couch. On fire.
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