I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
