i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
