I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
