there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
