i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
