I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I had to cum in my sink.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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