I think my fart just growled at me.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
