Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
