I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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