Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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