I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
