You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
