You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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