How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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