How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We smell like vodka and hangover
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
