Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
