When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
