Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
How does one acquire holy water?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
