my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
