Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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