textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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