I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
