Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
