I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
