Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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