In America we eat man semen.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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