Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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