i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
