Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
