And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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