I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
