What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he puts the penis in happiness.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize