Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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