Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
