So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize