i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
