Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
