Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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