Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
