do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
