Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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