i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
