i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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