She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize