Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
