I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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