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Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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