Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
