If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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