Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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