I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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