when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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