Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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