I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
