Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
another moral hangover. fuck.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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