or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
