I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize