Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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